In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
If it's any consolation, your boobs looked awesome.
she got into med school, i feel dumb for banging her dance major friend
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
Yes he was puking but in the only light of the whole parking lot and he was resting in the patch of clovers and he just was a garden fairy
Model at car show < day drinking with your favorite sister. Get your head in the fucking game Christopher.
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
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