wouldn't it be funny if when girls shaved their vaginas, they gave them sideburns?
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
We are balling out on levels, I think mikes about to go to jail. something to do with a unicorn and rainbows, the cops are not being reasonable.
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
Randomize
