Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
her vagina looked like bernie madoff
Just had to have the guy at Sprint clear the dried cum out of the trackball on my Blackberry. Wonder if that happens to him often.
What's the kids name that was drinking stale beer and redbull out of the blender?
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
I appreciate your acceptance of my lack of morals
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Randomize
