i can't help myself.. i am just so in love with the kitchen manager.
...he was wearing JNCO shorts.. i'm pretty sure i saw the dragon.
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
i mean, some people chug beer and some people chug hard liquor. some people have good ideas and some people have bad ideas. it's all about perspective.
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
