I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
i had to sit with a fan pointed directly to my vag for a good 10 minutes
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
it's gotten to the point where there are no existing good choices. even our good choices are bad choice by anyone's standards but ours.
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
Everybody at Lexi's party found out I'm both a screamer and a moaner after he ate me out on the pool table downstairs. Just another sunday night in Alaska
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