If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
Confirmed. Vegetarians give terrible head.
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
It hurts to hear and I can smell shapes.
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
He's such a neat freak that he started making the bed while I was still laying on it naked. He succeed in case you were wondering.
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
Randomize
