i wish there were pregnant emoticons
you alive?
ya, the episode of maury where people are afraid of things are on, i had to keep livin
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
People are handing out olympic condoms downtown, just put it on and it broke, this is how there trying to raise the population. Very sneaky canadian government, very sneaky
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
I respect your roll as DD and there're am required to respect your vehicle
I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
yeah but really his dick tasted like soap. like i was blowing a bar of soap
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
Randomize
