just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
Lots of explosions. Minor nudity. Full penetration and lots of tuxedos.
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
Nicole, you can't keep coming over at 3am wanting to build igloos.
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
Craig, a bottle of Jamison, and I had a party on the roof last night. No idea how I got down. My injuries indicate fall...
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
Randomize
