Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
Bryan's allergic to that cheap detergent, so he's been naked for three days. But we're all used to it now, so the party is still on.
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
He says it takes a lot to subdue the urge to just bury his face in my vagina. Of course, I have absolutely no problem with this.
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
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