so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
JB just got pulled over and I am in the trunk...... this isnt good
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Randomize
