No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
we put on a show in the hot tub for our boyfriends, then climbed out and both got down on our hands and knees and puked at the same time--still naked.
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
This was all being yelled across a beer pong table as all important things should be discussed
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
I think drinking everclear was a better idea than taking a night class.
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
Randomize
