i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
its awkward enough using a urinal next to your dad but its worse finding out hes one of the guys who goes no hands and moans it out
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
Randomize
