I need a man. I think Im going to put myself on Craigs list since they caught the killer and all.
Do it and if you add naked pictures youll get an instant reply
A 20 minute car ride back to your car with the girl u had drunk anal with is the most uncomfortable thing ever.
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
Randomize
