I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
Breaking personal boundaries is my trademark
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
Freedom, beauty, truth, and love to all. I also probably have syphilis
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
note: just because the casino is called bourbon street, it doesn't mean you can puke and keep walking and no one will care. chalk me up for another 86
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
Randomize
