The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
dude, i think we just came across a situation where tits weren't worth it.
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
When I woke up everyone at the party was in their underwear. Only you guys were playing strip pong.
Yes, we all have the power to convince a large amount of people to take their clothes off
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
Randomize
