Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
Well the strippers have danced to goo goo dolls and green day, time of your life. Were all gonna commit suicide.
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
Woke up covered in green glitter and beer. I am never leaving Ireland.
he looks SO much like Drake, I feel like an extreme groupie every time we have sex.
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
so we have roughly decided that hes the dude all the chicks will bang in college, just so he will do their term papers
Randomize
