i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
so now that im really awake i see that my underwear are completely ripped down the side, my shorts are on backwards, i have to go get plan b....i call last night an epic fail or success depending on how catholic i am feeling
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
he was gone before i woke up. left a pee stain, phone number, note and $20 for sheets. safe to say i will not be calling.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
We have 10 gallons of home brew. And james has an amazonian blow dart weapon that sticks in bags and the wall. Come over
And then he told me he was too tired for me to suck his dick. Physically and mentally too tired for me to suck his dick. What the fuck?
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
All boys are excommunicated from my vagina until further notice.
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
He was doing dishes, naked. I dropped to my knees and gave him head. Teamwork level- pro..
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
Im bringing my light up rubber ducky just in case we end up at a rave tonight. HE CHANGES COLOR!
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