I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
Made a visit to my old puking stall. I missed it.
If you can't accept "I'm sorry I was mean to you" bjs from 19 year old girls, then who can you
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
Tune in tm morning for how to buy Plan B in a foreign country while coming down off ecstasy
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
We watched ESPN, hooked up, got waffles. You know, a typical weekend.
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
While the cops were busting my party one of them said. O you have an Xbox? Do you play online? Whats your gamertag?....
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
Randomize