Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
This needs to stop. I just vacuumed the wall. Adderall is a double edged sword.
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
Some dude with an OSU jersey just kissed him in the face in front of everyone. I should mention he's wearing a Panda costume. And has already been offered $20 for his suit by Plushies for oral sex.
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
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