their songs make me feel all the things I wanna feel. Ya dig?
and what kinds of feelings would these be?
Happy, horny, occasionally hungry
can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
I just had my first experience getting hit on by a guy. It was really awkward, he touched my chest and invited me to a gay bar because "women get drunk and let their guard down at gay bars"
thats actually pretty good logic
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
Shame - the story of my life.
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