If that was your dad, he is hot
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
You kept hugging the big bouncer & feeling the other ones beard
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
She's working this semester. Her dad saw he was listed as 'the atm' on her phone and cut off tuition for three months.
There's a naked man in my car right now.
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
Randomize
