Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
this kid just offered me adderall in exchange for my meal points. college at its finest
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
I can't give advice right now, I have a yeast infection.
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
can we fuck so we can live up to our nicknames for eachother?
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
Randomize
