i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
i walked into the party and i guess everyone knew because they began to chant "ass to mouth"
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
Still had my bottle opener ring on. Started to give him a hand job. LOL
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
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