last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
I also woke up in a bed soaked of pee and drunkenly lectured him on the dangers of chewing tobacco... weird night
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
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