I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
the only thing he could say in english were 'insert coin here' and 'game over'. i love spanish men.
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
who am I kidding I don't have any dignity. Plus we're not doing a porno, we're just doing random things naked
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
im glad im back to a point in my life where i have enough sex to sometimes be offered and be like naw im good.
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
I want to create a human. Discussion later.
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
Randomize
