he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
I know he's not here, but I can still see him. I found some of my old stash and its good shit so its expected to see sunlight at night and scary llama men. Midgets or otherwise.
Between having seen you naked and interpreting your values based on the occasional political FB post, you're no stranger for sure.
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
He really is. Owns his own house and has more than one towel!
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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