You're completely useless in the revolution.
i am doomed to only fuck guys with curved cocks
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
Nothing says casual like stairwell bjs
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
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