Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
Damn. That makes sense
I know im like the sherlok holmes of sexual problems
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
Seriously, in what other class can the final major discussion be what bar you're going to with your prof?
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
Randomize
