Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
Just saw a commercial bout this girl that lost 54 lbs on a taco bell diet. so thats my excuse.
he seriously made his penis a facebook.
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
just took a pregnancy test before I went out drinking. if that's not drinking responsibly Idk what is.
Randomize
