Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
I'm smoking and watching the Muppets Treasure Island. Where are you?
Something about that statement reminds me just how much of a role model you are, sis.
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
OMG OMG OMG I just throwed up in his pillow case when he wentto start the sho wer, time to grab my bra and bounce!!!
Wow.
Randomize
