Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
Dude you has no fucking this poptart
What?
I dont know to explain this.
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
There's no point in calling it Big Titties Tuesday if girls with big tits don't get anything special
I'm not sure if it was the 11 shots or your naturally vibrant personality but I recall you being quite noisy that evening
Nvm, he just almost drank his drink from last night, his drink that has the condom in it. Kinda answers my question.
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
You don't have to have sex with both if us but I would like a little positive fucking regard.
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
Randomize
