We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
you started puking right when a nickelback song came on..it was epic
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
you have no chance. her best friend is a human abstinence poster.
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
saying, "have a good fall!" After fucking a virgin boy is good etiquette, right?
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
I despise everything about her. Except her tits.
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
I'm sorry I walked in on you guys, but all I heard from outside was her screaming "Dive, dive!". Sex was my last guess for what was going on in there.
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