He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
dude, when you're random girl from last night came down the stairs this morning she fell all the way down. I laughed. She just walked out. I hope shes ok. Tell her I give her a 10 for that landing though.
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
is he the 3rd person to bang everyone in our group?
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
You should have thought about how you were going to treat me before having me take photos of your asshole.
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
I'll call it a tollerance break and either will be celebrating my new job with a bowl or will be smoking my sadness away from not getting the job. Either way.
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
I didn't know how wild the party was going to be until one girl brought her pet raccoon
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
Randomize
