you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
Was cussing out our DD when one of the strippers takes him backstage. WTF
They call him magic hands is all I know.
Somethings are best left a mystery
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
Randomize