Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
I won't be sarcastic... just naked
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
Spending my graduation money on an abortion. Welcome to the real world.
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
IF IT WALKS LIKE A MANWHORE AND QUACKS LIKE A MANWHORE, HE PROBABLY HAS VD.
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
Randomize
