Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
One last question would your parents let me sleep in your bathtub for the night?
I remember seeing his penis I just dont know exactly what I did with it
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
Crappy Mother's Day to you! Those of us who don't have children fill the void with hot sex, sleeping in, more sex, leisurely suntanning, foreign travel, overseas sex, paying cash for sports cars, watching TV, having sex on the floor in front of TV porn, lounging around the house, or whatever the hell we want.
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
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