I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
Sweet. Might not hurt to poop on the floor anyway.
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
ok now I feel liek a very drunk human instead of a chaos being thanks water
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
anyways, do you want to make more embarrassing memories that im bound to remind you about later and laugh about?
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
Randomize
