Okay, I have a threesome with foreigners and suddenly I'm a man-whore
That adds atleast one bjs worth of awkward sexual tension between us.
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
So, Southern Comfort will donate 25 cents for every bottle sold towards Gulf Coast Relief... Can we save the wetlands through my alcoholism?
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
By the way. I expect to test the theory of you running a mile drunk for memorial day.
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
Randomize