Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
can you blow me for old times sake
only for old times sake
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
I just made out with Ricky Ullman of Phil of the Future fame and I don't know what I'm doing anymore. Help.
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
i feel like i am made of mashed potatoes. i love cannabis pills so. fucking. much.
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
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