Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
Riddle me this. What had unbelievable sex, and finally understands the meaning that things come better in pairs?
I hate you
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
saw you walking with that piece of shit
and that piece of shit just read that
We just used hot candle wax from our joint lighting candle to make a bunch of new small ones how stoned are we
he drunkenly pissed himself on the deck, in the bathroom, and on my couch within the span of an hour
its like an avodart commercial...maybe he has a growing problem
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
Your shirt... Was in my pants
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
Randomize