you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
they just came back. i guess "were gonna go get dinner" means "were gonna fuck for 5 minutes at the little league field"
You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
Don't go all Obama on me. George Bush this decision and just do it. Thinking's for the morning after
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
The guy that just projectile vomited over the balcony is now going down to find the pill he just puked up. He said he wasn't about to waste $15.
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
The bong is packed and it's taco Tuesday come over
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
Randomize
