I think I won the penis lottery.
I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
Dude, the women on the view have some valid arguments
You know how I know you're gay?
What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
the party has pretty much ended, it's just 20ish of us jumping and grinding to music from some guy's phone in the corner.
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
this periodpocalypse needs to be over. I need head
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
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