just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
I've hit an all time low I just sent a boob pict to fat Randall the one I gave a partial bj to a year a a half ago
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
Last night was just a whirlwind of Mario Brothers and sex.
Like I blink, and he's face first in my vagina.
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
Heels with jeans turned Casual Friday into Casual Sex With My Boss Friday
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