Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
Somehow he came on his own face...then he freaked out
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
me neither. i remember bell pepper tequila but not why or yelling
Hahaha, I forgot about doing shots out of the bell pepper
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
We legit stopped the the game so that Jamie and I could throw up in the bushes, and then continue to play intramurals... this is what my life is coming to1
Took off my bra at the laundry mat to throw it in I am officially white trash
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Randomize
