having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
People are suprisingly accepting of someone doing a walk of shame in a toga...
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
then he pulled down his pants, and i just stared for about a minute..... i was so confused. i didnt know my cat could have a bigger penis than an 18 year old man.
last night we were having sex and i didn't care if i got off. i was just holding up my hand behind his head so i could look at my new ring. i think he knew.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
I've officially done it all, fucked a girl wearing a twister board. ABC parties are amazing!
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
Most people would probably take his lack of responses as a queue to stop. But nope, not me. I just keep going. And that's why I don't have a bf, just a little weinered friend
Not good... He ate my chips. Thats not a sex analogy for anything. My actual potato chips... gone. I lost on both ends.
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
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