He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
and then she started to quack like a duck and u started throwing bread at her
I forgot I did whipits. Probably because my brain cells were killed from the whipits
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
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