ask if his dick looks like a sausage. alex's bro told me that's a sure sign. btw took pain pills. maybe shouldn't listen to me.
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
Well, remember that night we took shrooms at graces an had to leave immediately to go home and hold each other on the futon and sob for four hours? That bad...
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
Randomize
