I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
I remember sucking his bleeding finger and then it's all black until he had his hand down my pants.
Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
He told her Jesus wouldnt yell curse or degrade her. He'd just simply shake his head and slap the shit out of her
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
Thank you for listening to my rant about tacos.
We had sex on the tiger blanket while I was wearing my Ukrainian shirt and my ass touched the Ukrainian flag. Happy 25th Ukraine!
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
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