Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
All I remember is yelling at him to admit he liked Bon Jovi, then accusing him of giving love a bad name.
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
My adult sexuality and some of the best memories of my childhood collided like a Pee Wee Herman wet dream.
Elaborate
Strip Mario-Kart
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
Randomize
