Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
shes a 6ft ginger. she brings nothing to the table except for awkwardness
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
I just debated creating a mirror system so I could play Batman while in the bathroom. I think I need help.
I already knew that. But I also don't agree with stifling creativity.
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
yes and no. im drunk but idk if im "blow marcus" drunk. call in like an hour.
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
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