He made me cum so much, I almost let him spend the night. The operative word being "almost".
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
When we were fucking he called me by his moms name then after we were done told me to call him. He's not receiving a call... What if his mom picks up?
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
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