there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
I honestly wish you had parked the car in the terminal garage and fucked me in the backseat but I guess I should be more forward
The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
I woke up with a black eye, bruised knuckles, wearing women's clothing, in a house I did not recognize, next to a solid 9. Thank you for making 21 special.
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
Yeah play it cool maybe put in a kissy face though let him know you're giving an invitation for his dick
I'm almost too old to be on The Real World but feel like I'm too young to be on The Bachelor and I'm just really confused with my place in life.
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
Cover your peen. We're going out.
Randomize
