You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
Now that I'm hitting my bong, I realized I haven't missed something so much in a long time. I love Thomas the Dank Engine.
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
"You can have sex in my class, just stay quiet. I don't like noise." My professor... Shall make for an interesting semester.
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
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