when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
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