I'm going to jail i love you
I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
Not only was there cake on the wall but someone shoved cake and meat in a cup and put it in the fridge.
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
I can't remember what I did last night, but judging from the state of my hair I had a pretty good time.
Stop saving videos when you’re using my pornhub account!!! My girlfriend just tried to finger my butt because she thinks I’m into that
Randomize
