and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
until you tell me otherwise ill assume we're playing "cavity search" the homeland security game to spice up our sex life
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
um care to explain the stolen chinchila under greg's bed..i'd be fine with it if it wasnt chewing up the stash
Randomize
