So at what point do I tell her that I like fucking these hot southern girls more than I like my relationship with her?
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
TJ is going to paint me in a Patriots Jersey he can paint you in an eagle jersey. Did this last year and got so much dick.
I'm seriously scared right now. Woke up next to 3 geese and a lot of feathers ..
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
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