You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
So it sounded like a midget was barfing IN our walls again this morning ...
If you can find a Canadian Lesbian to have pity sex with me, let me know.
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
Idk... I'm not sure why anyone would use a flesh light in general. Let alone hook it up to a wifi device.
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