My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
cassie wtf are you alive??! no one has seen you for like seven hours whereeee did you go
IS IT POSSIBLE FOR A GUY TO NOT HAVE BALLS
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.
Not a or good or bad impression, just that you were all basically naked playing beer bong in sombreros and ties. Casual.
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Randomize
