I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
Peeling duct tape off of my dick is definitely one of the stranger sensations that I've experienced.
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
Randomize
