I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
It was an 11am booty call. We were both out of our element.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
Night is still young. Puking guts out part of it just began
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
Want to run by the liquor store later? Tequila Youn should really be in attendance at Party Mountain. No one else could be our spirit animal.
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
He showed me his scar from his appendix surgery. It was educational and fun....
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
Randomize
